Helping Widowed Parents Cope with Grief....

If you’re the child of married parents, it’s a near certainty that a parent will become widowed during your lifetime. And while the death of a parent is a difficult time for everyone, the loss of a long-term spouse is a profound and life-altering experience. While not always easy, it’s important to support your widowed parent through the grieving process.

By age 85, most married people are widowed. For many seniors, this loss comes at a time of life that’s rife with other stressors. Mobility wanes, social networks dwindle, and illness becomes more frequent and more debilitating as people age. Often, a supportive husband or wife is the key that keeps older adults independent and empowered.

When that spouse dies, the entire landscape of life is fundamentally altered. Not only has a decades-long source of love and companionship disappeared, but the surviving parent has lost her greatest source of support as well. A senior man suffering vision loss no longer has a partner to be her eyes; an aging woman growing frail with age no longer has a helpful arm to hold.

Often, it’s only after the death of a husband or wife that adult children realize just how frail their elderly parents have grown. Sometimes, a senior’s challenges are temporarily amplified by their bereavement. During the months following a major loss, it’s normal to experience sleep disruptions, loss of appetite, aches and pains, headaches, and difficulty concentrating. On top of this, elderly adults could show signs of cognitive decline, struggle to manage personal care, and become more susceptible to illness and infection. Immediately following the death, seniors are also at risk for a life-threatening cardiac event.

Most seniors recover from the symptoms of grief after several months, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re able to return to their previous life. Without the support of a marital partner, an elderly parent’s care needs could be much higher.

Adult children should avoid any major changes to a surviving parent’s lifestyle in the months following the loss. It’s normal to want a widowed parent to relocate to a more supportive environment, but this isn’t the time to further disrupt a grieving parent’s life. Instead, provide support for the months following a parent’s death and collaborate on the big decisions once the dust has settled. 

In the meantime, ensure the surviving parent has the necessary tools to manage everyday life at home. This could mean an adult child moving in temporarily, or it could take the form of a housekeeper or home health aide. It’s important to have someone present to monitor the surviving spouse’s recovery and keep an eye out for concerning health changes.

The death of a husband or wife leaves seniors vulnerable to developing mental health issues that include dementia and Alzheimer’s disease, depression, and addiction — each of which can trigger a marked decline in overall health. The results of one study showed that 27 percent of widowed seniors develop depression following their loss, and more than half of the sufferers continued to have symptoms of depression more than six months after a spouse’s death. In seniors predisposed to age-related cognitive decline, a traumatic loss can trigger the onset of Alzheimer’s disease or dementia. And even seniors who have never touched a drop of alcohol could turn to substances for comfort after the death of a lifelong companion.

If you notice major changes in a widowed parent’s behavior following the death of a spouse, encourage a visit to a mental health professional. Approach your parent with compassion and kindness, but be firm about the importance of seeking help. Reaching out to professionals not only ensures that your parent moves forward in the best way possible, it also allows you to step back from caregiving and take time to heal yourself.

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